Re Entry

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaccckkkk!

Ok, but not sure that's a good thing. Yes, I am happy to be back with my family, to hug them, laugh with them and create more memories. Happy to take a bubble bath, sleep in my own bed and go for a run. Glad that I can cook my own food and get back to my life as scheduled. But I am struggling. I cannot unsee what I saw.  I cannot  go back to being so blind as to what life is about.

I am dealing with the fact that in America, we have so much but are missing out on what is important. We live in neighborhoods but are lacking community. We don't want to rely on others and insist on doing things so much more privately.  We lack gratitude and grace. We are quick to judge and to want to acquire more things. We complain about the trivial things. I am quite sad to see such a difference. I am embarrassed for my ignorance.

I went on this mission trip wanting to do good. Wanting to make a difference. To see what I saw, I at first didn't know just what could be done. It was then that I realized that the difference wasn't to be made on the Haitians, but to myself. It was what I could bring back and teach here.  Haiti wasn't the true mission field, it was my heart and soul that needed to be missioned to.

The Haitians have a lot in life right. Yes, I can see that they don't have great living quarters or conditions, I mean, no electricity or means for running or clean water.  There are very little job opportunities, no true health care system and I'd ask if YOU could live off of a $1 a day.  But what they do have is a great sense of community and gratitude. Every single person I came across said thank you. They all worked closely to help gather water and each child I saw wanted to make sure the one next to them received a little love or nourishment as well.

To see people pouring out of a factory, one of very few in Port-au-Prince, makes me think why there aren't more there to provide jobs for them. Oh that's right, as Americans we say that we shouldn't support companies that don't stay stateside or create jobs here. I for one get it now. I didn't prior to that moment. Who says that people elsewhere, who want to work, who want to earn a living, who want to provide for their family should not be able to have a job as well?

The sense of entitlement here has been something I think a lot of us can agree on is a big problem. I did not meet one person in Haiti who felt entitled to anything, other than their faith and gratitude. They weren't begging, they weren't just laying around. They are resourceful. They make due with what little they have, resources for building materials included.  Gathering water and rationing it out. They check in on those around them.

As I sit here trying to be quiet and calm my fears of forgetting Haiti and this experience, I am amazed at how one of my teammates knows just when to post something that makes my heart remember.  I will need time to continue to process this and to know what it is I do from here.  I will post a little about each day of service I did, but not until next week. I would encourage any of you to look to your hearts to see if there is something you can do to help serve others, it may not be in Haiti, but could be in your own COMMUNITY to help make it every sense of that word, a community.

Until I have had time to reconnect and process, (this re entry stuff is no joke and my family is doing amazing with allowing me to be), I wish you all peace.

Live your best life,

Stacey

And Away We Go!

It's Monday, and most of you know I always love me a Monday.  This Monday is a bit extra special, I am leaving on a jet plane for a mission trip to Haiti. I have never felt so ready to do something. I have never done anything of this sorts. Like I said a few posts ago, I have not expectations other than to come home with renewed faith.

Yesterday was a mixed bag of emotions. The mass I attended was in my grandparents memory, the message from Sister was spot on.  I was anxious to be on this mission, I was running out of time to get things done. I was sad to be leaving my family. I love them so much and just enjoy being able to spend time with them. I will have access to the internet in the evenings to message back and forth a bit. That should help me know that things are fine back home.

I need to let my kids grow as people and know they can do things without me. I need to know that Tim can step up to the plate and be the man I see in him. As the woman of the house, I often take charge because that is what has always been done. It is what I had to do for years. If I am not there, they all can grow together and create their own sense of accomplishments.  They need to miss me.

So as I set off with the fresh memories made together yesterday, my bags and that of the supplies I am bringing, it is that I want to thank you all for your encouragement, words of wisdom and continued positive thoughts & prayers. For those who have financially contributed, I am ever so grateful that you have allowed me the means to be able to do this. I will be taking the time to journal my experiences each day and even if I am not the one taking photo's, I will assure you that I will come home with some to share.

I am sure next Monday will be a little extra special as well as it will be my trip back to be reunited with my family!! I will be anxious to see them and will need time to readjust, (Tim & kids and Kona too, be ready for BIG hugs!). Until then, I want to fully live in the NOW and do the work that I am called to do.

And a big thanks to Tim for his love for our family and for driving me to the airport!

Much love and peace to you all!

My two shirts and the wonderful journal I will use!

A leap of Faith

Sometimes you just have to jump right in, no questions asked and have faith it will all work out, even without trying to control it all!  Being in the now is a very hard thing for me. I usually have my mind into the next week and what else needs to be done aside from the task in front of me.  Preparing for this mission has helped me focus on the now.

I will admit, leaving to go on this mission is a lot of work. It means preparing meals ahead of time for my family, having laundry semi caught up, working extra hours at the salon to fit in all the appointments, scheduling clients with others, paying bills ahead, banking and still trying to fit in some quality time with my family and all the emotional baggage that goes with leaving. No wonder we look so forward to just getting the show on the road! But as I tend to these busy tasks my heart is preparing to take on so much more. I am slowing down to be grateful for the fact that I do have a family to do these things for. That I do have a job that helps provide for my family.  That I can turn on the faucet and get water at anytime I so choose. That this mission IS what I need to do.

Today is the day before I leave. Over the years I have become a morning person. I am taking the time this morning to use the quiet of the house to get a few things accomplished and to really think of what I will be embarking on in the morning. This time for reflection is what I need to help ground me as a person and keep me going as a woman.  With a mind and soul that races to fit it all in, I often forget to just soak up what the moment has to offer and to really absorb what it is I need to know. 

The past few days have been a challenge. While Tim does support me as a person and what it is I need to do, this trip he has not been too happy that I have chosen to go on. He is concerned for my safety and with his profession, I do understand that. It has brought up a great discussion on our faith and what we mean to each other. I have seen my 90yr old grandmother cry, out of concern that I come back safely. Even my 78yr old weekly client let me know she was not happy that I decided to do this mission...all out of fear. It is nice to know that people care, but at the same time it is hard for me to understand their fears.

I want to be angry, angry that someone wouldn't support me. I want to be angry that people cannot see things through my eyes. That people cannot see the work that needs to be done. Angry that it seems that they are being selfish for not understanding that this is something dear to my heart. I also do not understand allowing fear to take over. But then I am reminded to give grace. For they do not mean this with malice, that they do not want to hold me back, that they just have fear. Fear out of love for me. This in turn renews my faith that people are good. It also lets me know that I am doing what it is that is needed of me by showing that I have faith that this is where I need to be, that I have faith that all will be fine, that I will return safely and that I can bring back my experience to share. I can continue to shine that light, to chase out the fear and restore THEIR faith.

This mission is so much more than going into "some poor country" and "helping those people" it has become a mission to restore faith in all who need it, whether it be the people of Haiti, my family, friends or even myself.  I have had to take this leap of faith and know that it will all work out, that it is what I need to do. So may The Divine grant me those springs & help me spread my wings.

Team Bonding

Last evening I drove through crappy traffic and for just about two and a half hours one way to meet the team I will be traveling with to Haiti. Remind you, I know no one aside from Marni.

It can be a bit out of anyone's comfort zone to go on any sort of a mission trip. I think it needs to be this way in order to be able to benefit from the experience. My initial thought for this post was to give a snyopsis of what my mission trip may be entailing, but then I thought, no. I want to fully be in the moment, I want to be able to have no real expectations and to just serve in the way I am intended to.  We try to control so much of our lives yet forget it really isn't up to us. We are not the ones with the plans. We need to be at the helm to steer ourselves in the right direction, but have faith that we are being guided to be right where it is we need to be. 

Last evening it was about packing for our trip. I don't mean packing like we would for vacation. Upon arriving at Carol's home, I see what looks to be a garage sale, yet know it is not. Tables set up and filled with so many donations of items that are needed. I really had never seen so many toothbrushes or little kids underwear in one place. These are all every day things that we think nothing of having in our house or being able to hop in our car and go down the road to purchase.  As I walked up the driveway, this lady comes out and gave me a great big hug to welcome me to her home and for being part of the team. Yep, I know this is where I am to be.

So the names are being put with faces (I will need to be reminded again) and being able to know that I am with a great team is reassuring. Some of the people I'll be with have been to Haiti before, some are first timers like myself. What I can say is that we all just clicked. Everyone was willing to pitch in, help out and do what was needed at that time.  Mission trips are not for everyone and I could tell that these are people who really wanted to be able to do this. These are the people I will lean on, these are the people I will serve with. I am excited to grow with them.

Now, I said it was a packing party. None of the items going in my personal suitcase to be checked were for me. I believe I have some of the bags with personal care items we will hand out in mine along with soccer balls for the kids. I sorted through children's fever reducer medicine, underwear, soap, washcloths, crayons, care packages and so much more. These items will be in our luggage. Yes, I will have a carry on and a back pack to put my clothing in, but this was a great visual of what is needed for Haiti and this trip isn't about me.

Don't get me wrong. I am on this trip for what could be deemed a selfish reason. I want to learn, I want to grow as a person. I want to know that I could help make a difference if even for a week. I want to see a people who have a true love of life and are ever so grateful for the simple things.  I want that for my life.  As I shared before, I honestly feel called to do this. I can no longer deny that there is a greater force pulling me towards doing things in life.  I believe we were meant to do for others, that this world isn't just about ourselves. I do not know how I will react, I do not know each day what I'll be doing or feeling. I do not know what child may choose me to help comfort them. What I do know, is that the time is now for me to be doing this.

Once again, I will be asking for prayers and positive thoughts for this mission. I ask them for the people of Haiti, this team I am with and for my family.  I know my heart will break at what I see, but I trust the mind and soul will be able to make that heart stronger and whole.

I get to spend a whole week with this team!

It's Getting Real

To blog or not to blog, that has been the question. I have blogged in the past, I've been asked to do it again. I hesitate since I don't want one more commitment or thing to add to my schedule. I do feel compelled to do so at this time since in TEN days I will be setting off on my first ever mission trip, a trip to Haiti. I have been contemplating if this is something I want to share with all of you or to process myself. I have thought long and hard about this and come to the conclusion I need to share. I need to continue to spread the light that I was given. I cannot hold it to only myself, at least not all of it.

I am going to Haiti with one of my very first childhood friends, the girl I grew up next to, who happens to be a woman that I still look up to this very day.  I am ever so grateful that Marni shared her mission trip stories and feelings with me last fall which planted the seed within me to join her this August. Now, I didn't just jump at the chance, it is something I had to take time to think through. Yes, I have always wanted to go on a mission trip, yes, even one to a third world country. But, what would my family think? Could I take time off work? Could I afford it? Was it really for me?

Yes, yes, yes and a resounding, YES!  I will admit, the Mr. is not happy with me, I respect his feelings of hesitation, questions on my safety and his fear that he cannot protect me while I am so far away from him. My kids would love to join me on this trip, but I need to go and be in the full experience without worrying about being a mom at the same time.  I can and will take off work. Being self employed, that is often hard to do. I don't get paid time off of any kind, in fact, I pay to not be at work. I feel what I experience and can do for the people of Haiti is way more payment than I could receive that simple week I am not at work.  With the very generous gifts from family and friends, (THANK YOU), I am able to afford this trip without having to worry about where the money will come from. It brings tears to my eyes and warms my heart to know that there is support for me to fulfill this mission. And I must tell you how I knew this was really meant for me.

Back last winter, Marni contacted me to let me know she would be in Waseca the following weekend to speak at a church about organizing a trip with people from town to go to Haiti in April. Wanted to know if I would be interested in going with that group.  It was bad timing for me, but I was glad she asked and continued to get me to think about using my time to serve.  The very next day I ran into a classmate of hers at a local hot spot to eat and he invited me to come listen and consider going on this very trip. Once again, I thanked him for thinking of me but it was bad timing and I would be willing to help them with fundraising efforts.  On Monday, my client came in and mentioned his church was going to take and adult mission trip to Haiti in April and he thought I would be a good person to have with. I almost laughed at this point, this was the third day in a row that someone spoke to me about this very mission trip to Haiti.  Tuesday I was at the gym listening to a pod cast, the commercial was for people to help give to her plea for money to build a sugar refinery and houses in Haiti. Hmmm, is someone trying to tell me something?  Wednesday the travel channel had Sean Penn on with his tent city in Haiti. Yep, there was no mistake. I heard the message. I am going to go to Haiti!

I am now ten days out. I have collected a few donations of items, I have my preventative meds, I have my clothing picked out (which I will leave there) and I have been asking for prayers and positive thoughts for the people of Haiti, the team I will be serving with and for my family to be able to accept and cope that I will be gone for a week.  I have also been working on keeping an open heart and having no expectations for this mission other than to be in the moment and do what it is needed at that time. My fear right now is that how will I handle coming back? Will I resent that I am truly rich in my life?  Will I be able to cope with what I experience? What about my heart?  What about the mom in me?  Will I annoy the crap out of everyone with "when I was in Haiti" stories?

I believe blogging may help me with all of the above. I will be taking a journal with me to write my thoughts daily. I will not take the time to blog while there, but will fill in when I return.  I want to fully be in the moment while there and not worry about what to write. I will need time to process things for myself and out of respect for the mission, I will want to think about how to present things.  I want to share, to spread that light. I want to show you all that if this is something you have ever thought about that maybe it's time to put words into actions, just as the new Pope has stated many times.

Once again, I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts for the people of Haiti, the mission team I am with and for my family. I know the power of positive thinking!

Live your best life!

Stacey