Sometimes you just have to jump right in, no questions asked and have faith it will all work out, even without trying to control it all! Being in the now is a very hard thing for me. I usually have my mind into the next week and what else needs to be done aside from the task in front of me. Preparing for this mission has helped me focus on the now.
I will admit, leaving to go on this mission is a lot of work. It means preparing meals ahead of time for my family, having laundry semi caught up, working extra hours at the salon to fit in all the appointments, scheduling clients with others, paying bills ahead, banking and still trying to fit in some quality time with my family and all the emotional baggage that goes with leaving. No wonder we look so forward to just getting the show on the road! But as I tend to these busy tasks my heart is preparing to take on so much more. I am slowing down to be grateful for the fact that I do have a family to do these things for. That I do have a job that helps provide for my family. That I can turn on the faucet and get water at anytime I so choose. That this mission IS what I need to do.
Today is the day before I leave. Over the years I have become a morning person. I am taking the time this morning to use the quiet of the house to get a few things accomplished and to really think of what I will be embarking on in the morning. This time for reflection is what I need to help ground me as a person and keep me going as a woman. With a mind and soul that races to fit it all in, I often forget to just soak up what the moment has to offer and to really absorb what it is I need to know.
The past few days have been a challenge. While Tim does support me as a person and what it is I need to do, this trip he has not been too happy that I have chosen to go on. He is concerned for my safety and with his profession, I do understand that. It has brought up a great discussion on our faith and what we mean to each other. I have seen my 90yr old grandmother cry, out of concern that I come back safely. Even my 78yr old weekly client let me know she was not happy that I decided to do this mission...all out of fear. It is nice to know that people care, but at the same time it is hard for me to understand their fears.
I want to be angry, angry that someone wouldn't support me. I want to be angry that people cannot see things through my eyes. That people cannot see the work that needs to be done. Angry that it seems that they are being selfish for not understanding that this is something dear to my heart. I also do not understand allowing fear to take over. But then I am reminded to give grace. For they do not mean this with malice, that they do not want to hold me back, that they just have fear. Fear out of love for me. This in turn renews my faith that people are good. It also lets me know that I am doing what it is that is needed of me by showing that I have faith that this is where I need to be, that I have faith that all will be fine, that I will return safely and that I can bring back my experience to share. I can continue to shine that light, to chase out the fear and restore THEIR faith.
This mission is so much more than going into "some poor country" and "helping those people" it has become a mission to restore faith in all who need it, whether it be the people of Haiti, my family, friends or even myself. I have had to take this leap of faith and know that it will all work out, that it is what I need to do. So may The Divine grant me those springs & help me spread my wings.
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